To Have or Not to Have...

I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts that I've been having recently. Being the life-planner that I am, I have been planning this new year out in my head and deciding what experiences or adventures I want my family to have. I have been deeply contemplating whether Baby #4 is in that plan or if the "having babies stage" is over for me. I have been really struggling with this decision as I have always envisioned myself having four children, but yet I don't think that I want or can handle another child. I am a HUGE worrier and control freak and I get stressed out and overwhelmed very easily when it comes to our children. I think that adding another one to the mix will only make me MORE stressed out. Also, this may sound a little selfish, but I am now 25 years old and I feel like all I have done with my adult life is have children. I sort of feel like I am missing out on experiencing some of those fun, life adventures at my young age. It sounds really appealing to me to be done with the "having babies chapter" and to start a new chapter where we can look forward to fun, family vacations without having to pack and haul around a 20 lb diaper bag with us. With that being said, I don't want to live my life with any regrets and I'm afraid that one day, I will regret not having that fourth baby. Jarom and I have discussed this and prayed about it numerous times, and I just haven't felt like I have gotten a clear-cut answer. I wish I always didn't have to have a plan for my life. I wish sometimes that I could just live and enjoy my life on a day-to-day basis, but that lack of control and planning just drives me CRAZY. I'm sorry if this sounds a little depressing...I think that this cold weather and being couped up all day in the house makes you think about things a little too much. I need a vacation!